Advice for my good friend Brad

Well, maybe it's not so much advice, but rather a collection of libation-inspired thoughts culled from a gathering of Brad's friends and co-workers last Friday eve. Brad, recently divorced, was contemplating his eventual return to the dating scene, "out there"...

The list of advice started out semi-organized, but became less so as twilight stretched into night. My own editorial explanations are offered in brackets []:

1. Be mysterious.
2. Bed buddy.
3. Be honest.
4. Don't wear tank tops -- Valley Park isn't sexy.
5. No wife beaters or coach's shorts. Enjoy hookers.
6. Herpes is not curable.
7. Just kiss her.
8. Be aggressive.
9. Be decisive.
10. Good rhythm.
11. Girl on girl doesn't happen unless you pay for it.

A second list was started at another end of the table. At the top of the list, un-numbered, was this all-important advice:
***Wear your rubbers!!

Then began the second numbered list:

1. Don't look for a replacement.
2. Enjoy life . . . Kim says.
3. Remember Caller ID.
4. *67
5. Don't be desperate.
6. Don't cry because you don't have anyone to go out with.
7. Don't go out in G. C. [Granite City].
8. Spend money on stamps.
9. Don't fall fast.
10. Be honest, just don't tell it all.
11. GIRL SANDWICH

About the time we hit GIRL SANDWICH, which seems to contradict #11 from the prior list, is when things devolved. A convention of Tourette's Syndrome sufferers would have offered less random blurting:

• Stinky does not equal skanky.
• Find a babysitter.
• Don't drive babysitters home.
• Happy V-Day Call Me!
• Moody is not good!!
• Young and dumb.
• Smoke filled bad.
• F's [as in bra cup size] Gone Wild!
• Angelina Jolie's a urinal cake.
• B's [as in bra cup size] need love too!
• Lotsa' lovin'.
• Don't be an ass [in the paper version of this list, the word is replaced with a drawing of, you guessed it, a person's ass].
• Urinal cakes are not spermicide.
• Christie [likes to drink] Jim and Diet Coke.
• 02/17/06 - Brian is wupped.
• You can still ovulate after kids.
• Drunk men are not a turn-on.
• Bathroom sex: tacky.

As you can see, we ended on a high note. Good luck, Brad.